Fixing our eyes...

I love how God teaches us :)

I was singing at morning sing the other day, and began feeling strangely embarrassed. As my mouth was declaring praises of (and, supposedly, to) the Almighty God, my inner spirit was troubled and simply ashamed that I was being seen doing what I was doing.

Afterward, I was troubled and spent time questioning why I had been feeling that way. Why should I be sensing embarrassment upon looking past my wonderful group of siblings in Christ to discover that other people happened to be around too?!

A couple of verses flew across my mind:

“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of God.” (Gal 1:10)

“I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes.” (Rom 1:16)

And this one made me feel real good—Jesus says: “"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father's glory with the holy angels." (Mark 8:34-38)

Whew. Convicting? Undoubtedly. Helpful? Potentially.

I don’t know how many people are like myself in this, but here’s how it has traditionally gone:

Whoa, that’s something super wrong about me. Wow, that’s really wrong…dang, I suck at life. Why did I let that happen? That’s totally not right, not what God would be pleased with for sure.

Essentially: conviction --> guilt --> chasing my tail around that guilt level. Trust me: I can think for a long time and give myself some pretty good lectures on that guilt level.

But do we ever move from there?

Here’s the thing I’m realizing: focusing on the guilt or imperfection is making it all about me. This trend can be extrapolated to other aspects of life as a disciple of Jesus: I used to think that Christianity was mostly about sacrifice. I was okay with that—I’m a runner, and in a twisted way I enjoy that feeling of struggle, challenge, endurance. I can follow the rules well enough, I know the reasons why drugs and extramarital sex and horrible movies are bad for you…I’ve grown accustomed to the idea of denying myself things that my peers pursue.

But what if life isn’t about what we deny ourselves of, so much as what we embrace? What if we’re not to live constantly analyzing the darkness, but fixing our eyes on the glorious light that’s about to rush in?

After a shopping trip, do people stare at the empty place in their wallet where the $20 bill had been, or show off their new shirt or pop in that new DVD?

Why isn’t it like that with Jesus?

Gosh, self, stop asking that Q already—go back to your thesis: don’t keep dwelling on what’s to be given up, but be freed to embrace what you’ve been given!

Two mornings later, back in Red Square, the very first line of a song struck me speechless: it proclaimed that I have been given Jesus. In His fullness. The rest of the song was cool too, I think, but that Truth just kept ringing across my mind.

It’s echoed in an incredible passage, check it: Colossians 2 9-10*: “For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority.”

DANG! I’ve received Jesus!...Who is all the incomprehensible fullness of God…and because I’ve got Him, I’m full and undeniably complete too!

Suddenly everything else begins to seem really tiny. Yet so filled with a different, more lasting worth. I know that I’ve been given Jesus…I just hardly have begun to learn what that means! But I do pray that's where my focus remains.

Thank You, God, for Your gift of life and blessings upon blessings which You choose to pour out upon us, simply because You love us. Thank You for longsuffering patience with me, and please help me to focus on what’s bigger than myself and notice what You’re eager to give me (if blessing, then praise; if hardship, then power to stand!), to be still and know that You are God. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, and please reveal Yourself to captivate my eyes to stay fixed on You! To You be the glory, both now and forevermore. Amen.

Sometimes, He calms the storm…other times, He calms His child.

*Amplified Bible version—helps me get more clarity: “For in Him the whole fullness of Deity (the Godhead) continues to dwell in bodily form [giving complete expression of the divine nature]. And you are in Him, made full and having come to fullness of life [in Christ you too are filled with the Godhead--Father, Son and Holy Spirit--and reach full spiritual stature]. And He is the Head of all rule and authority [of every angelic principality and power].

New Year's Re-resolution

I've never really been one for New Year's resolutions; I guess I've made them in the past, but only because everyone else was doing it and I had to have something to share when my turn came around. This time, I began realizing a couple of days before Jan 1 that I tend to cut corners sometimes. I hardly ever catch myself doing things that most of my peers would consider to be outright "wrong", and when I do cut a corner it's usually because I'm erring on the side of laziness as I listen to my shoulder angel and shoulder devil argue about what's really best. Like, at the gym when I finish running and I don't feel like getting the cleaning stuff--I didn't really touch the handles, so it's no big deal; or at work, when I pre-bus and dump empty plates in the dishwashing station and don't feel like washing my hands for the zillionth time that hour--I might resolve my inner conflict with a 5 sec handwash; or driving over the speed limit because everyone else is or the roads are clear so why should I not be most efficient? I think that most people would consider these actions "no big deal", perhaps not worthy of mention. But at the end of the day, when I walk out of the gym or work or my car, I want to be pure, not feeling guilty because I chose to take a risk and not do what's right.
Why do I even have such a hard time writing about it? I was stuck for a minute on "not feeling guilty because ___". I said "not do what's right"--why didn't I say "because I acted wrongly?" why do I see those actions as merely a step down from purity--what's the definition of purity or cleanliness?! Impurity is not a "step down", it's a glaring opposite!
The reasons that usually end up driving me to "go the extra mile" and just do what's right (what incredible lies I believe!? when did simply adhering to an expectation become so rare and extraordinary?) are because of fear of who might be around me and what they might be thinking. At the gym, I imagine someone seeing me leave without cleaning the machine, and maybe they know me from class or have randomly had a convo about faith in which I might've shared what Truth drives my passions, decisions, purpose, thoughts, everyday life. Then they see me ignore a simple mandate by the rec center staff, one that they might honor by conviction, and then my example as a witness is shot. At work, there might be a secret shopper spy from Corporate sitting at the table just behind the sink who is counting the seconds of my handwash to include in the report to my boss (truly, it's did we as a restaurant fail or pass?). I'm not just representing myself, but the whole staff of the RTC Red Robin.
Really, that's how it will be at the end of days, right? I'm not just representing myself, but my defining title of "CHRISTIAN" means that I bear the name of Jesus across my body and stamped on everything I do and say. 1 John 1:5-7 says "This is the message we have heard from [Jesus] and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from every sin."
I told one of my old friends about my resolution to always do what's right rather than cutting corners. They replied, "oh, so you want to be perfect, as opposed to just almost perfect?!"
I was thinking about that later, and relating it to why I don't do what's right (why I don't live up to that perfect standard) all the time. It seems to come down to pride; if I do what's right, I take pride in what a noble person I am. If I don't do what's right, it's because my prideful self is trying to out-reason the established rule and makes me justify my action based on my thinking.
How can I even claim to love--much less, to genuinely love--those in authority over me if I spit on their rules? My bosses, my parents; how can I be an example of Christ's love and hope for a new and fulfilling life if I turn around and show that I dishonor them by ignoring their rules for me? 2 John 6 is just one of many verses that link love and obedience as fundamentally joined. "And this is love: that we walk in obedience to [God's] commands..."
The levels to which this is important I have barely begun to recognize. I finally thought about how important this will be in my marriage. I cannot truly love someone if I secretly think I'm better than them, which I realized was happening with someone in my family. Even if their rules seem stupid to me, I must submit and obey them because I deeply want to love the person more. Again, when I don't obey this person it's because I entertain thoughts to justify ignoring the rule, but that makes me feel that I'm smarter or better than them, which hinders my love. I don't want to have that happen anymore in my family, and I never want it to have a place in marriage! Even if my husband's thought might seem strange to me, it would be so destructive for me to try to (behind his back) out-reason from a perspective of pride rather than humility. At the end of the day, I am given the calling to humbly submit to my husband, who is given the responsibility of humbly leading me in love. "Pride puffs up; love builds up." God, help me start practicing now!
In conclusion, after all the digressions about pride and obedience (barely got started thinking about love!), my re-resolution in response to my friend's comment is that every day I want to ask God to help me live rightly, for I cannot do it on my own (and if I think I do, I'll just get proud). He must help me be humble so that I can listen and hear His directives on how to live rightly, He must overcome my inner flesh screaming against the loving obedience, He must continue to show me that living perfectly is what He has called me to as a born-again child of the Light of Life, Who radiates glory from the awesome Throne in Heaven. I am His servant, and as Luke 17 exemplifies, "when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'we are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.' "
God, help me to live a life worthy of the calling I've received, by Your power and grace, for Your glory, forever and ever. Amen.